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【请高手修改并评价这篇4级作文,Forthispart,youareallowed30minutestowriteashortessayentitledRecreationalActivities.Youshoulwriteatleast120wordsfollowingtheoutlinegivenbelow.1娱乐活动多种多样2娱乐活动可以】
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请高手修改并评价这篇4级作文,

Forthispart,youareallowed30minutestowriteashortessayentitledRecreationalActivities.Youshoulwriteatleast120wordsfollowingtheoutlinegivenbelow.

1娱乐活动多种多样

2娱乐活动可以使人们受益,也可能带来危害

3作为大学生,我认为.

RecreationalActivities

Incolleges,especiallyinChinesecolleges,studentsgetfreedomfromthemorefraternal,morerelaxing,andmoreharmoniousatmosphere.Intheirsparetime,lotsofrecreationalactivitiesareavailable.Forinstance,sports,clubactivities,computergames,tripsareallstudents'favoriteactivities.

However,whenwefindoutsomeadvantagesaboutrecreationalactivities,Ireckonthattherearesomedisadvantagesaboutrecreationalactivitiesaswell.Tobeginwith,playingcomputergamesdoalotofharmtostudents.Independentastheyare,teachersandparentscannotinterveneprofoundlyintheirdailylife,whichwillresultinstudents'lackofconcentrationontheirstudy.Subsequently,manyclubactivitiesseemtobeawasteoftime.Manyactivitiesjustfocusongettingtogetherandgoingousidethecampustohaveameal.Scarcelycantheymakeprogressfromthiskindofactivities.Moreover,goingonatriptosomewhereelseisagoodidea,butwhoguaranteesthesafetyofthestudentsasquiteafewcasesshowthatstudentsincampusaremoreliabletohaveanaccidentwhilegoingonatrip.

Asacollegestudent,Ithinkthatweshouldconsidertheprobleminaprovidentway.Recreationalactivitiescanjustbeusedforrelaxationoutofstudytime,butnottobeaddictedtothemandnottoabusethem.

孙宏顺回答:
  开头的introduction部分过于简单,而且没有引-限-点.建议楼主使用复杂些的表达法,因为开头非常重要!中间的body部分内容充实,不过似乎楼主侧重于叙述disadvantage了,advantage的部分字数不太够,可以再充实一些.最后的s...
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