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请帮我的托福作文评分,再评论一下,说明有哪些地方需要改进?谢谢!题目:Intwentyyearstherewillbefewercarsinusethantherearetoday.正文:Itotallybelievethattherewon'tbeasmanycarsastherearetodayin
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问题描述:

请帮我的托福作文评分,再评论一下,说明有哪些地方需要改进?谢谢!

题目:

Intwentyyearstherewillbefewercarsinusethantherearetoday.

正文:

Itotallybelievethattherewon'tbeasmanycarsastherearetodayinuseinthefuture.

ThefirstseasonwhyIholdthisopinionisthatoursocietyisstartingtoencouragegreendevelopment.Asweallknow,humanhaspollutedourenvironmentgreatly.Wecutabundanttrees,pouringcontaminatedwaterintotheriverorsea,burningtoomuchfuelfortransportation,etc.Oneoftheterribleoutcomesiscommonlyknown---globalwarming.Theproblemissoseriousthatevenseveralinternationalmeetingswereheldtodealwithit.Infact,mostscholarswhohasstudiedglobalwarmingbelievethattransportationtools,suchascarsandtrucks,aretobeblameforreleasingalargeamountofcarbondioxideintotheair.Therefore,moreandmorepeopleappealthatweshoulduse"green"transportationtoolslikebicycles.

Besides,peoplearestartingtoalsopreferridingbicyclesorevengoingtoworkonfoot,ifnotlivingtoofarawaytheirworkplace,becausetheywanttoliveahealthierlife.Asthecompetitioninthesocietyintensifies,wespentmuchmoretimesittinginfrontofourdesksandworkingonthecomputer.Workoccupiesourtimefordoingexercise,makingourbodymuchmoredelicatethanbefore.Consequently,sinceanincreasingnumberofpeoplehaverealizedtheproblem,theyhavebeguntomakeusethecommutingtimetoexercisebyridingbicyclesandwalkingtotheoffice.

Insum,Ithinktheuseofcarsisnowreachingitspeak.Sincepeoplelaymoreemphasisonprotectingtheenvironmentandkeepinghealthy,itisverylikelythatfewercarswillapearinthestreatintwentyyears.Instead,otherenvironmentallyfriendlytransportationtoolslikebicyclesmayturnouttobepopularagain.

刘文静回答:
  开头太短,加几个例子oursociet不太明白cutabundanttrees重复etc.不好   小错和有点小多,条例不是很清晰,在改改应该挺好的
旷文德回答:
  "重复etc.不好"是什么意思?是说用“etc.”不太好?
刘文静回答:
  个人比较喜欢andsoon
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