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请雅思高手帮我改下我的作文,Q:Trafficandhousingproblemsinmajorcitieswouldbesolvedbymovingbigcompanies,factoriesandtheiremployeestothecountryside.Doyouagreeordisagree?Inmodernsociety,withthedevelopmentofeconomy
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请雅思高手帮我改下我的作文,

Q:Trafficandhousingproblemsinmajorcitieswouldbesolvedbymovingbigcompanies,factoriesandtheiremployeestothecountryside.Doyouagreeordisagree?

Inmodernsociety,withthedevelopmentofeconomyinmajoycities.Moreandmorecompaniesandfactoriesinvestinthesedevelopedcities.Theysetuptheirbusinessbycompetelandscapesincitiesandestablishbuildingsorfactoriesinordertocreatprofit.However,largeamountsofbuildingsandemployeesleadnumbersofpeopleincitiesincrease.Theycouldberaisetheproblemsoftrafficandhousing.Iaminfavorofthepointthatmovingbigcompanies,factoriesandtheiremployeestocountryside.

Asweallknow,whentherewasnobigcompaniesandfactories,citymustbepeaceandpeoplecouldnotupsetbytraffic.Now,withtheincreasedamountsofunlocaledemployeesinthosecompanies,everytimegoforworkinmorningandgohomeintheeveningtheremusthavetrafficproblems.Moreover,companiesandfactoriesmakeuplandscapestobuildbuildingsothatlocalresidentscouldnotbuyflattolive,.Ontheonehand,countrysideshavemorelandscapesforbigcompaniestobuildbuildingsandtherearemuchlesspeoplethancities.Employeeslivetherecaneasetrafficproblemincitiesthatwillnolongeraffectcities,Inanotheswords,bigcompaniesandefactoriestocountrysidescanboostlocaleconomywhichinprovelocalpeople’slives.

Ontheotherhand,providedthatcountrysidesadvancedbybigcompanies,itmaybecreatthesameproblemsascitiesintheend.Butthesephenomenonwillnotoccurinshorttime.Movingtocountriesjustashory-timemethodforthesakeoftrafficandhousingproblemsincities.

Inall,althoughbigcompaniesmovetocountrysidecannotsolveessencialproblems,itcanimprovethebadsituationsincitiesindegree.Ithinkgovernmentcantakegoodmeasuresinfuture.

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请问这篇作文能打多少分,我是考雅思作文的250词.哪里需要改进的指点下好吗?

冯占林回答:
  你这个文章介于3.4-4.5,在不破坏你原意的前提下,帮你简单改了下,有不少低级语法错误,用词错误,整个文章形有了,但具体的细节还需要很大的加强才行,句子多备些地道的模板,不要自己编,用词要准确,不是很懂的词不要乱用,...
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《请雅思高手帮我改下我的作文,Q:Trafficandhousingproblemsinmajorcitieswouldbesolvedbymovingbigcompanies,factoriesandtheiremployeestothecountryside.Doyouagreeordisagree?Inmodernsociety,withthedevelopmentofeconomy|小学作文问答-字典翻译问答网》
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