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我希望较权威的朋友帮我改改我的雅思作文我不知道自己作文到底什么地方还不够!顺便给个分数.Somepeoplesaythatchildrenshouldbedisplinedintheirearlyage,andpunishmentshouldbeused.tosomeextentdoyou
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问题描述:

我希望较权威的朋友帮我改改我的雅思作文我不知道自己作文到底什么地方还不够!顺便给个分数.

Somepeoplesaythatchildrenshouldbedisplinedintheirearlyage,andpunishmentshouldbeused.tosomeextentdoyouagree?

Whatkindofpunishmentcanbeusedbyteachersandparents.

Whenitcomestotheissuewhethershouldparentsandteacherspunishthestudent,peoplearestandingdifferentground.someconvincethatpunishmentwillhurtthechildrenanditwillleaveashadeinchildren’smemory,whichwillinfluencetheirholelives.However,somepeoplehaveaoppositeidea,theybelievethatchildrenshoulddisplinedintheirearlyage,andpunishmentshouldbeused.

AsfarasIamconcerned,thelatterismorereasonable.

Ibelieveproperpunishmentisbeneficialtochildrentoformgoodbehavior.Asweallknow,people’sbehaviorandhabitsarealwaysconstructedatearlyageandtheproperpunishmentcantellthechildrenwhatshoulddoandwhatshouldnotdo.Onceinmyearlyage,IpickedupthemoneyonthedesktobuysomecandybutdidnottellmyparentsbecauseIamafatgirlandmyparentsdidnotallowmetoeatsuger.Eventuallyitwasdiscoveredbymymother,shewasquiteangeryandpunishedme.Iknowthatshedonotwanttopunishmebutshewantmetoformagoodbehavior.thereforethepunishmentisveryimportantinchildren’syoungage.

However,itisnotallthepunishmentwecanadaptbecausethepunishmentisnotthepurposeinsteaditisakindofapprouchtoeducatethechildren.Soteachersandparentsshoulduseitproperly.Parentscanpunishtheirchildrenthroughsomehouseworkwhichcaneducatetheirkidsinsteadofadaptingviolence.Intheschool,teachercancultivatethechildrenthroughdoingsomecleaningorhavesomeexercisewhichnotonlycaneducatethembutalsobuilduptheirhealth.

Ingeneral,aslongaswemakeproperuseofthepunishment,canchildrenbenefitfromit

宋又祥回答:
  病句比较多,还有一些单词拼写错误.这些都应该避免,不然6分都难.   从结构上来说,头重脚轻.后两段,每段至少要有一个论点的句子,三个不同的论据支撑.不能泛泛而谈.   另外,如果要拿高分,每个分论据之间应该有一个逻辑的关系,而不是想到一个是一个.   考了很多次雅思,以上经验仅供参考.
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