【帮忙改一道新托福独立写作题是个07年9月15的题,是说extended现在是不是重要的题,觉得好容易写偏,所以写一个给大家看看,有什么要改进的畅所欲言,小弟8月8考,希望能帮忙看下,跪谢!Nowadaysmost】|其它问答-字典翻译问答网

【帮忙改一道新托福独立写作题是个07年9月15的题,是说extended现在是不是重要的题,觉得好容易写偏,所以写一个给大家看看,有什么要改进的畅所欲言,小弟8月8考,希望能帮忙看下,跪谢!Nowadaysmost】

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帮忙改一道新托福独立写作题

是个07年9月15的题,是说extended现在是不是重要的题,觉得好容易写偏,所以写一个给大家看看,有什么要改进的畅所欲言,小弟8月8考,希望能帮忙看下,跪谢!

Nowadaysmostfamiliesinoursocietyarenuclearfamilies,thusmanypeoplethinktheextendedfamilieswhichareseldomfoundarenotstillimportant.However,inmyview,extendedfamiliesarestillverysignificantsincetheyhavemanyadvantagessuchashavingmorecaresamongfamiliesandgettingmoreadviseswhenanyofthefamilyhastroubles.

Whenweliveinextendedfamilies,wecangetmorecaresandhelpsfromotherfamilynumbersthannuclearfamilies.Formeasanexample,Iliveinanextendedfamilywhichisincludednotonlymanyparentsbutalsomyuncle,aunt,brotherandgrandparents.IfeltIcangetmuchmorecarethanasimplenuclearfamilygive.WhenIhadafever,myauntcangivemetheinstantdiagnosesincesheisadoctorinafamoushospital;whenIhadaprobleminmath,myunclecangivemethebestsolutionashismajorinuniversityismath.Evenmygrandparents,theyalsogivemealotofhelpbytellingmemuchexperienceinlife.Thus,thesecaresseemimpossibleinanuclearfamiliesandIcanfeelanextendedfamiliesmorefunctional.

Secondly,ifpeoplecangetmoreadvisesiftheyliveinanextendedfamily.Aboutlastyear,mymotherlostherjobandlostconfidenceinlifesinceshethoughtshewoulddonothingandleftathomeforherleftlife.AsIlivedinanextendedfamily,asImentioned,allthenumbersbegintodoasmuchaspossiblewithmymother'sproblems.Myuncleandmyaunttrytheirbesttofindadecentjobformymother;mygrandparentstrytohelpmymotherbuildupconfidence.Asthestrongrelationshipinmyuncle'sbusiness,hehelpedmymothertofindaprettyhighsalaryworkandfinallymymotherrebuildherconfidenceandtakethejobdelighted.Therefore,extendedfamilieshavetheextrafunctiontogetpeoplemorejobopportunities.

Surely,Iknowtherearelessandlessextendedfamiliesinoursociety,but,itisthetruththatextendedfamilieshavetheirownmeritsandwillbefunctionaltosociety.

小弟掐时间写的,希望多提宝贵意见,再谢!

请帮我看看有没有走题.

刘星浦回答：

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　　第二段第二行Iliveinanextendedfamilywhichisincludednotonlymanyparentsbutalsomyuncle,aunt,brotherandgrandparents. 　　是myparents,是吗?一点小错,应该是笔误吧.不过whichisincluded应该是“被包括在……”的意思,好像就不太说的通了,应该是whichincludes吧,而且include用在这儿也不太恰当,换成contains也许会好些（个人意见）　　WhenIhadafever,myauntcangivemetheinstantdiagnosesincesheisadoctorinafamoushospital;whenIhadaprobleminmath,myunclecangivemethebestsolutionashismajorinuniversityismath.这两个并列句,前后时态不一致,这本身不能算是错误,但是结合句意来看,不太通顺,这里讲的既然是普遍的例子,而不是某一特定实例,可以将过去时改为现在时.还有hismajorinuniversityismath,is还是换成was好些. 　　IfeltIcangetmuchmorecarethanasimplenuclearfamilygive.也是存在时态问题. 　　还有,文中的care有时当作可数名词,有时当作不可数,这一点应该也要统一吧,不过只是个小毛病. 　　本人英语水平有限,所改之处未必精准,楼主将就着参考一下吧.衷心祝你取得好成绩. 　　Nowadaysmostfamiliesinoursocietyarenuclearfamilies,thusmanypeoplethinkthatextendedfamilieswhichareseldomfoundarenotimportantanymore.Inmyview,however,extendedfamiliesarestillverysignificantsincetheyhavemanyadvantagessuchashavingmorecareamongfamiliesandgettingmoreadviseswhenanyofthefamilieshastroubles. 　　Whenweliveinextendedfamilies,wecangetmorecareandhelpfromotherfamilynumbersthannuclearfamilies.Formeasanexample,Iliveinanextendedfamilywhichhasnotonlymyparentsbutalsomyuncle,aunt,brotherandgrandparents.IfeelthatIcangetmuchmorecarelivinginthisextendedfamilythanlivinginasimplenuclearfamily.WhenIhaveafever,myauntcangivemetheinstantdiagnosesincesheisadoctorinafamoushospital;whenIhaveaprobleminmath,myunclecanhelpmeoutashismajorinuniversitywasmath.Evenmygrandparents,two80-yearold,alsogivemealotofhelpbytellingmemuchexperienceinlife.However,thesecaresseemimpossibleinanuclearfamilyandIfeelanextendedfamilymorehelpfulandfunctional. 　　Secondly,peoplecangetmoreadvisesiftheyliveinanextendedfamily.Aboutlastyear,mymotherlostherjobandlostconfidenceinlifesinceshethoughtshewoulddonothingandleftathomefortherestofherlife.Asshelivedinanextendedfamily,asImentioned,allthemembersbegantodoasmuchaspossibletosolvemymother'sproblems.Myuncleandmyaunttriedtheirbesttofindadecentjobformymother;mygrandparentstriedtohelpmymotherbuildupconfidence.Asthestrongrelationshipinmyuncle'sbusiness,hehelpedmymothertofindajobofprettyhighsalaryandfinallymymotherrebuiltherconfidenceandtookthejobdelightedly. 　　Inconclusion,inspiteofthedecreasingnumberofextendedfamilies,Istillthinkthatthesefamiliesnotonlyhavetheirownmerits,butalsoarefunctionaltooursociety.