帮我评论下我的雅思作文(用雅思的标准),评分,评语,改正语法,越细越好
同样的题目我写了2篇,不知哪种风格好,
Inmanycountries,childrenparticipatesinsomepaidworkintheirsparetime.Somepeoplethinkthisiswrong,butothersbelievethatsuchworkwillextendthechildren'sknowledgeandimprovetheirsenseofresponsibility.
Whatisyouropinion?
一
Inthecontemporarysociety,agreatdealofattentionispaidforchildrentoengageinsomepaidworkintheirsparetime.Inmyopinion,childrenenjoypaidworkintheirsparetime,whichwillnotonlybenefitpersonalcompetencebutalsoenrichhorizonandcultivatesenseofobligationfortheirdevelopment.Admittedly,Iendorsethisopinion.
Recently,abulkofcompanieseagertoemployworkerswhohavehands-onexperience,thereforeitisanopportunityforchildrenenrichingtheirworkingexperiencethroughenjoyingthepaidworkintheirsparetime.Anditisalsoachancetogettoknowhotmuchstressexistedhowarduoustomakelivinginthesociety,afterthattheymaymorecherishtheiropportunitytostudy.Andfrompaidworkchildrenstillcouldcultivatetheirskillofcommunicationandteam-collaboratedspirits,whichcalibrecouldnotbeattainedintheregularcourseatschool.
Ontheotherhand,thereisapointshouldbeconcernedofchildrenparticipatingpaidwork.Forchildrentheirmaincommissionistostudynottowork.Sohowtohandlethetime,andhowtocontrolthequantityofpaidworkthatshouldbeconsidered.
Overall,myviewisthatchildrenshouldbeboostedtoentailmorepaidworksintheirsparetime.Butdonotletthepaidworksaffecttheirstudying.(221字)(看了慎小嶷的书,说,有的人写完作文感觉不错,但是从学术角度看只值5分)帮我看看,
另一篇,因为字数要求有限制所以另起一篇