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【雅思作文评分并修改Somepeoplethinkmusicisjustaformofentertainment,whileothersthinkitplaysmoreimportantroles.Discuss.Itisgenerallyacceptedthatthetechnologyisadvancingatanamazingspeedinprent-daysociety.Manypeo】
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雅思作文评分并修改

Somepeoplethinkmusicisjustaformofentertainment,whileothersthinkitplaysmoreimportantroles.Discuss.

Itisgenerallyacceptedthatthetechnologyisadvancingatanamazingspeedinprent-daysociety.Manypeopleliketolistentothemusictorelievetheirstress.Somepeoplebelievethatmusicismerelyakindofentertainmentwayforfun.Whileothers,however,assertthatithasmoremeaningsforindividuals.Frommyownperspective,Iaminfavorofthelatterview,butIwouldqualifyittosomeextent.

Itisapparentlythatmusiccanbringaboutmanyadvantagesforourlife.Tobeginwith,withthecompetitionisincreasinglystiff,people'sworkarealwaysdiminishtheirleisuretimes.Toputitfromanotherway,theyneedmusictorelaxtheirbodiesandeasetheirminds,somusicisadvantageousforthem.Moreover,musiccanenhancingpeople'sefficiency.Unlikesomeindividualswhodonotliketolistentothemusic,theycanavoidemanymistakesandcanfinishtheirtasksearlier.Inaddition,musicisbeneficialforourhealth.Eventhroughlisteningthemusicmayspendsometime,itcaneliminatesomediseasesinourlives.Asamatteroffact,peoplecanusemusictocurbtheproliferationofthesediseases.Peoplewillhaveahealthybody,providedthattheyoftenlistentothemusics.

However,otherpeoplearguethattheonlyfunctionofmusicisjustforentertainment.Inmyopinion,thosewhosupprtthisviewshouldbroadentheirhorizonstorealisethemusicdeeply.Asthemusicplaysapivotalroleinourlives,musiccanrelieveourpsychologicalburdens.

Overall,fromwhathasbeendiscussedabove,wecaneasilydrawaconclusionthatmusicisveryhelpfultous.Iamconvincedthatmusicwillmakemoreachievementsinthefuture.

曹群回答:
  我不熟悉雅思的评分方式(做TOEFL和sat比较多),但读了你的作文还是看出了一些问题.首先,你的第一句话似乎和整篇文章没有联系,Itisgenerallyacceptedthatthetechnologyisadvancingatanamazingspeedin...
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